30 May-3 June

(It’s not quite a resumption of regular updates, but it’s a start!)

The past is a peculiar thing in EastEnders. Nine times out of ten, it’s ignored or forgotten about; glossed over by the characters as they go about their day-to-day lives, because if they allowed themselves to dwell on everything that had happened to them since setting foot in Albert Square, they would never bring themselves to leave their warm cocoon of a duvet in the morning and face the bleak reality of life in a soap opera.

More importantly, remembering the past would make social interaction in Soapland all but impossible. Family gatherings would be a nightmare beyond belief.

“Jack? How are you? I thought I’d invite all of Jim’s family round for lunch on Sunday, if you’re free? So that’ll be you, and your wife – how’s she doing, by the way, since kidnapping that baby? – and I suppose we ought to invite her sister, since she is the mother of one of your many children…which means we should probably invite her boyfriend too, even if he is the biological father of the baby you thought was yours… But don’t worry, it won’t be awkward! Because I’ll also invite your brother Max, the one who you beat to a pulp a couple of weeks ago, you remember, you nearly ran off to France with his wife…and Carol as well, of course, though it’s a shame none of her children are around these days, with Bianca in prison and Billie dead…wasn’t Billie responsible for you ending up with a bullet in the brain and totally paralysed (but not really), by the way? What’s that? You can’t make it? Oh, what a shame…”

25 April-6 May

Due to a holiday, a busy schedule since coming back, and sheer laziness on my part, there will be no proper ‘Week in Walford’ entries for the last two weeks.

I will, however, sum up my memories of the last fortnight as best as I can remember them through a haze of not really paying attention to several episodes in a hotel room when they aired and missing the omnibus both weeks.

Theme of the fortnight? People reverting to type.

The Masoods seem to be on some sort of mission to win the coveted Family that Lies the Most in Soapland award; and my god, that’s a category with some fierce competition. Zainab is lying to Masood about meeting with Syed and lying to Syed about the problems in her family. Masood is lying to Zainab about his gambling and relationship with Jane. Tamwar and Afia are lying to everyone about their marriage. Syed is doing his best to return to this family of liars by – that’s right – lying to Christian about meeting Zainab. Kamil is the only (current) member of the family not lying to everyone he knows, but that’s probably only because he hasn’t learnt to talk yet. And somewhere in Pakistan, no doubt Shabnam is failing to tell the truth every time she picks up the phone as well.

4-8 April

Why do people still organise family celebrations in Albert Square?  Zainab Masood’s been living there long enough to be familiar with the success rate of such gatherings, right?  (I doubt the memory of Syed and Amira’s flat-warming party will be leaving her any time soon.)  Alas, she chose to ignore the warning signs and pulled out all the stops for Tamwar’s engagement, even ignoring the ominous rumble of thunder and rain lashing down at the beginning of Tuesday’s episode.  You know something’s about to go disastrously wrong in Walford when someone digs out the rain machine and looks for BBC Sound Effects Vol. 3.

Mind you, as Albert Square parties go, it doesn’t get much worse than organising an engagement party for your son who’s already secretly married to the daughter of your villainous ex-husband, which is then gatecrashed by your estranged other son and his boyfriend (thanks to the subtle machinations of said ex), who’s then flattened by a roof beam.  Oh, and you then find out you’re not insured, you owe money to all of Walford, and your souls are owned by Phil Mitchell of all people. And it’s never a good day at the office when Ian Beale can claim the moral high ground.  It’s almost enough to make you feel sorry for Zainab.

Almost.

28 March-1 April

Remember when EastEnders used to take its time over setting up plots?  When characters were introduced slowly into the community, natural friendships and relationships developing slowly through people interacting with each other?  Maybe it never happened.  Maybe my memory’s at fault.  But my god, EastEnders seems to be on fastforward at the moment.

Ronnie Mitchell went missing this week. For an episode. There was barely time for the usual Mitchell argument about whether to involve the police and for Phil and Jack to do a bit of pseudo-macho posturing about whose responsibility she was before she was conveniently located at Aunt Sal’s. As wonderful as it was to see the lovely Sal again – oh the joyous sight of Roxy’s face at “I said to Peggy, I hope that baby’s worth it, she’s aged at least ten years” – Ronnie was back home by the following Monday, with no movement or development in that plot whatsoever. She still hasn’t told anyone what she’s done; her loved ones can see she’s not right but they’ve known that for months anyway; and the audience are still no nearer understanding what the hell’s going on in her head. The endless circles of the baby swap storyline are bad enough in themselves, but do they have to whizz round so flipping fast? If you’re going to send Ronnie missing, at least stretch it out to a week or two!

Speaking of, remember Kat and Alfie breaking up (again) at the end of Friday’s episode? That’s right, they were back together again by the end of the following Monday. Hands up anyone who’s surprised! (No one?) There is a limit to how many times we can watch the same couple break up ‘for good’ and then get back together ‘for good’ within 24 hours; and Kalfie zoomed past that limit a very, very long time ago. They did, however – to everyone’s astonishment – manage to stay together until the end of the week and even into the next week. I only wish I could bring myself to care. Instead, I’m just counting down the days until they get their baby back and they can hopefully get off our screens for a bit to let other characters have a chance to do a bit of breaking up and making up. And I love Kat and Alfie, individually and together. God only knows how the viewers who don’t remember them from the first time round feel.

In other news, Michael Moon has moved in with Roxy Mitchell.  Yes, that’s correct.  For those of you who may have missed some of the finer points of this relationship, it basically went like this:

28 February-4 March

So the cat’s out of the bag.  Except that it isn’t.  The only people who heard Glenda’s revelation that Phil had been cheating on Shirley – other than the couple in question – were Ian, who already knew; Jane, who didn’t care; Roxy, who didn’t believe it; and Heather, who didn’t quite understand what was going on.

Poor Glenda.  She had forgotten one of the Unwritten Rules of Albert Square: all affairs must be revealed in front of as many cast members as possible for maximum impact, preferably at some sort of party or celebration.  Props help in this department.  If only she’d had a cassette tape as Grant did, a nice DVD like the one Lauren used to ruin her family’s Christmas, or had gone the Lucy Beale method and inexplicably – though neatly – spray painted a wall rather than sending an anonymous letter or text or even simply walking up to the wronged party in the street and saying, ‘Psst, love, did you know your husband’s shagging my uncle?’

If Glenda had spilled the beans in front of the massed gossips of Walford at Phil and Shirley’s wedding reception, she would no doubt be instantly believed by everyone and vindicated in her revenge.  Alas, she chose instead to reveal their affair over a cheese omelette in a half-empty Queen Vic and was promptly punished by the Gods of Albert Square.  No one believed her.  No one cared.